{"id":85,"date":"2013-10-04T21:24:18","date_gmt":"2013-10-05T04:24:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/kingdomrice.wordpress.com\/?p=62"},"modified":"2013-10-04T21:24:18","modified_gmt":"2013-10-05T04:24:18","slug":"wounded-but-healing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/kingdomrice.org\/2013\/10\/04\/wounded-but-healing\/","title":{"rendered":"Wounded but Healing"},"content":{"rendered":"

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I denied that I needed healing from being addicted to ministry<\/b>, a disease that I\u2019ve seen in many other\u2019s ministries, and now in my own ministry and life. As much as I thought I did not have this problem because I\u2019ve turned down lots of ministry opportunities and speaking engagements, the ministry was nevertheless still too much a part of my identity. At it\u2019s core, it\u2019s not too different from any temptation where one derives own\u2019s significance from one\u2019s job, possessions, status, etc. But among pastors and ministers, the challenges with the temptation are unique and sometimes deathly hidden, and more so if the person is isolated. Thinking back, I recall the adrenaline rush I used to feel speaking and ministering in certain venues. Perhaps it\u2019s akin to what other performers feel (which I have felt too). At its worst, that kind of ministry did not draw me to God, but further isolated me from God, people, and even myself. As one who has studied addiction, lived on a drug rehab island, and even lectured on addiction to grad students, I knew what was going on; I was addicted to ministry. But it took God to turn my world upside down before I could admit it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

The genesis of the problem can be traced back to 9th grade when my then English teacher somehow assessed that this super shy short kid might be able to take on teaching a lecture on diagramming to his fellow 9th grade peers.\u00a0 So he asked me to teach, then gave me the entire module to teach with no orientation nor instructions. So this very shy pre pubescent\u00a0 4\u2019 10\u201d kid, who rarely talked, all of a sudden began teaching diagramming to the whole class, for the whole period. I remember thinking at the time, \u201cthis is odd, cause I\u2019ve never seen any student get up and teach a class, but here\u2019s my chance, so I\u2019ll do it.\u201d I even assigned homework and graded the papers, colored pen and all. Later in high school, I\u2019d teach math and even computers to teachers in the district, my first big paid job. But also so began my \u201con stage\u201d persona that derived significance from my teaching and analytic skills. I was accepted teaching. But when I’m “off stage” I’d feel rejected and could not relate to people.\u00a0\u00a0When I was “on stage,” I was in my zone, and I was in control, and it gave me a high. Years later, ministry simply gave me a new context to build this \u201con stage\u201d persona.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I spent years living in this delusion, and educated myself in tools that helped me to go even deeper in this delusion. In spite of this delusion, God was still in the ministry. But that’s because of God. He uses messed up people for His glory. Things turned when God began to let my\u00a0 \u201cbottom fall out\u201d from my ministry. This was catalyzed by my wife\u2019s unexpected bedridden illness. I suddenly had to cancel ALL travel plans, take medical leave (after being convinced by my team) and was caretaker for her. Plus, I was thrown into the role of single parent for my special needs son. We were seeing doctors galore for both my wife and son. My mother\u2019s health also took a downturn; I have taken her to ER many times, and have been in ER for every member of my family in addition to that. This sudden onslaught of health needs was enough to stop me in my ministry tracks. The other big catalyzing element was God\u2019s provision of my teammates in Epic Movement who saw through my \u201con stage\u201d skills and teaching resume I was known for. By this time, I had accrued a good teaching and training resume that spanned schools, churches, subjects, states, countries, and a variety of ministry organizations. I was not always on the road, maybe once a month. But looking back, I was on the road to destruction. My old Epic team saw behind my persona and inquired where the real \u201cme\u201d was.\u00a0 They knew when I was seeking significance from my work in an addictive, compulsive way. This one time, I had just given a series of talks to help train missionaries to go overseas. The talks went great; I received the highest evaluations too. But my team knew better, and called me on my displaced spirit. Altogether, I knew I simply could no longer perform my duties with Epic Movement given the needs at home; the writing was on the wall to retire from my role in Epic. But such was also the beginning of new chapter in my healing from ministry addiction.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Little did I know it, but God was orchestrating a plan for my healing. It began with leaving Epic Movement, fairly hard for me at the time. I never got to say good bye face to face. When I resigned, I lost a part of my family, my work, my income, and more.\u00a0 But that was just the beginning of the overall picture of letting go of my control, my false identity that was wrapped up in all the things I did.\u00a0<\/p>\n

In my family, the grief continued. My son was getting in trouble at least half his school days, even being suspended at times. My wife was bedridden. I faced my limitations, anger and more head on; I had no other choice. The fact was, I was facing me, a me I did not want to see; but this was the me that God died for. But I just had to keep letting go, letting go of all things I thought I had control over – job, family, ministry, church, and more. I did not experience the surrendering as a gift at the time. But looking back, it was. I had to fast from ministry to discover where my appetites lie. If you\u2019ve ever fasted from food or anything else, you might know what I mean.\u00a0<\/p>\n

When my wife started getting sick right around two years ago, my whole world turned upside down. I had no idea how long she\u2019d be sick, when she\u2019d get better, or anything. It was hard seeing, even accepting the sickness. I was \u00a0the guy who grew up fixing walkmans, then graduated to fixing stereos, cameras, even cell phones, but I could not fix my wife nor my son.\u00a0 None of the doctors knew what was wrong and there was no prognosis for my wife’s condition. Slowly, the highly trained, able to \u201cfix\u201d many things part of me began to surrender. \u00a0Instead, I had to face my limitations, my vulnerability, and my brokenness. And I began to accept my circumstances, my wife\u2019s condition, my son, and more than that, the me that God sees.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Today, just about two years later, I feel I could write volumes about all the treasures I\u2019ve discovered after this main season of surrender and uncertainly. The healing that I could not imagine two years ago has resulted in renewed vision, greater simplicity, less compulsion, more authentic relationships, but perhaps most of all, a renewed sense of who I am, and who I am in God.\u00a0<\/p>\n

The healing that\u2019s came from this past season of surrender has been invaluable to my soul. I did not want to compromise that, and initially thought that pursuing a secular job would maintain that. But now that I\u2019m pursuing \u00a0designing my own ministry, I am discovering that the process itself will be another chapter of healing for me. And it\u2019s not because of the ministry I\u2019m doing per se, but rather, the whole approach, structure, and perspective I\u2019m taking as I step into this. There is healing in the journey.<\/p>\n

The treasures I\u2019ve discovered on this side of the \u201cwall\u201d are aplenty. Through this new endeavor, I\u2019ve had to exercise the voice God\u2019s given me more than ever before. I\u2019ve had to trust Him in new ways that were unimaginable two years ago…even half a year ago. Authentic relationships are one of many new treasures. My wife and I know tons of people. But few were those that REALLY knew us. That’s a changing. Surrounding me now professionally and personally are men I\u2019ve grown to trust and love. They\u2019ve been the ones sojourning with me week by week, in prayer and mutual submission. All very reputable ministers in their own right, our times together are characterized by vulnerability and godly brotherhood. When I began meeting with them over a year ago, I came broken, with a thirst for authentic relationships among brothers. Today, they have become ministry and soul comrades.\u00a0<\/p>\n

There is much more healing in store; there\u2019s much more hope and freedom in store. What a tragedy if all those treasures stayed locked up in my \u201cstage persona,\u201d my skills, and my control. It\u2019s been a most difficult season; both me and my wife have hit walls. His mercy and grace allowed us to get to the other side. And I believe this process will continue. Not because of who we are, but because of who He is in us.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I denied that I needed healing from being addicted to ministry, a disease that I\u2019ve seen in many other\u2019s ministries, and now in my own ministry and life. As much as I thought I did not have this problem because I\u2019ve turned down lots of ministry opportunities and speaking engagements, the ministry was nevertheless still…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[13],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/kingdomrice.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/85"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/kingdomrice.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/kingdomrice.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kingdomrice.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kingdomrice.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=85"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/kingdomrice.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/85\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/kingdomrice.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=85"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kingdomrice.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=85"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/kingdomrice.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=85"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}